Is this a decent beginning to a mystery short story?

Two men sat in a small room. The lights on the ceiling made their faces glow in contrast to the green walls. The men faced each other over a round table. They weren鈥檛 talking. On the table lay piles of papers. Neither man looked down at them. One man slouched in his chair. He wore an orange jumpsuit. His hair was cut close, revealing two large ears. He smirked every time the other man shifted around in his seat. This man wore a cheap gray suit. He looked very uncomfortable. He checked his watch and then decided to speak.

鈥淢r. Jennings, I鈥檓 your new lawyer. My name is Phillip Harding.鈥? Jennings glared at Harding, forcing him to look away.

鈥淲ell aren鈥檛 you a dandy. What happened to Mr. Fargo?鈥?br> 鈥淗e was found dead in his home last night. He鈥檇 been shot in the head. The police don鈥檛 have any leads as to who did it.鈥? No sadness showed on Jennings鈥?face.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 a real shame. He was nice enough. Not a very good lawyer, though. He was trying to have me committed. Do I look crazy to you?鈥? Harding sorted through the papers on the table.

鈥淭his police report makes several references to your behavior after being arrested. A Sgt. Bronson states that you were very violent and that you were screaming and cursing. Can you tell me anything about that?鈥? Jennings smiled.

鈥淚 was drunk, not crazy. Ask my wife. She鈥檒l tell you.鈥? Harding wrote something down.

鈥淏ased on what you just told, there are some weaknesses in the prosecution鈥檚 argument. I鈥檇 like to spend some more time reviewing the details, though. I鈥檒l talk to you tomorrow.鈥? Jennings shrugged.

They both stood up. Harding opened the door and nodded to the police officer standing outside. Jennings walked out, the police officer following behind him. Harding closed the door. He looked relieved. He sat back down and sighed. He had a lot of work to do.

Jennings walked into his cell. He heard the lock click behind him. The police officer didn鈥檛 say anything, but Jennings felt his disgust. Jennings lay down on his cot and curled up.

Jennings was tired. They鈥檇 held him here in isolation for two weeks. The guards never talked, and the lawyers never stopped talking. Harding had seemed nervous though. He hardly talked at all. He looked young, probably fresh out of law school. He didn鈥檛 have that phoniness about him, yet. Jennings wondered if this was his first case. If so, Harding still couldn鈥檛 do worse than Fargo had been doing. The old fossil had assumed Jennings was guilty from the start. Even if Harding did his best, Jennings knew he would never be a free man again, even if he were innocent. The man on the phone told him that, over a month ago. Jennings didn鈥檛 mind too much. His family would be provided for. That was something he couldn鈥檛 do anymore.

Harding sat back from the table. He rubbed his forehead. He鈥檇 had to stay up late at Harvard before, but he鈥檇 never felt the strain of having a man鈥檚 life in his hands. Grades weren鈥檛 very important in a real court. On the surface, Jennings was guilty. The police found him in a stolen car across from the scene of the murders. The coroner said that they鈥檇 been dead for several hours before their maid discovered the bodies and phoned the police. Jennings confessed to the murders when the police arrived, and then went ballistic when the officers arrested him. Mr. Fargo seemed to have been doing the right thing by trying to prove Mr. Jennings crazy. Yet, something still didn鈥檛 add up for Harding. He鈥檇 been looking over the police reports and witness鈥?testimonies. They all fit together too well. Something was wrong.

Jennings lay on his cot. He was thinking about what his family could do with the money. His wife would have a real kitchen to cook in, and his children wouldn鈥檛 have to wear clothes from the Salvation Army anymore. It was all possible now. All he鈥檇 had to do was listen to the man on the phone. He told Jennings where to go. Jennings parked across the road from a house in a rich neighborhood. He鈥檇 told Jennings what to wear. Jennings wore a black shirt and black jeans. The man on the phone even told him what car to drive, a white Ford Focus. Jennings stole it from a neighbor.

Then Jennings waited. When he saw flashing red lights behind his car, the man on the phone called him one last time. He told Jennings that he would be arrested for the murders of the people in the house. He thanked Jennings. The man on the phone promised him that his family would receive the money just as soon as Jennings was convicted. Jennings hoped that Harding wouldn鈥檛 try too hard to get him off. He wanted his family to get the money as soon as possible.

Harding thanked the officer for the coffee. He tasted it and made a face after the door closed. He liked Cappuccinos, but he鈥檇 better get used to this stuff. There probably wasn鈥檛 a cappuccino machine in the entire town. He was taking a break from the papers. He couldn鈥檛 shake the feeling that something about the whole thing was wrong. Harding checked his watch and decided to stop. If there was something weird with this case, he couldn鈥檛 learn anymore tonight. Tomorrow he would ask around the police station and then try to talk to some witnesses. Harding walked out of the building. He made it to his Explorer and got in.

Harding drove for 30 minutes until he reached the outskirts of town. He took a right at a stop sign and entered a suburban neighborhood. All the houses were the same, except for the numbers on the mailboxes. Harding鈥檚 car pulled into a driveway on 5234 Meadowmere Street. He left his things inside the car. He stumbled his way into the house and onto his bed. He fell asleep quickly.

Jennings couldn鈥檛 sleep. He sat on his cot. He stared at the walls of his cell. They were plain but he was used to that. Whenever he had to stay at the hospital, those walls were plain, too. His wife visited him at the hospital sometimes. She brought him things to put on the walls. She took them with her when she left. She said she didn鈥檛 want to get him in trouble. Jennings wished she was here now. The man on the phone had better follow through on his promise. His wife deserved the best.

Is this a decent beginning to a mystery short story?

I suggest less periods, more commas.

Is this a decent beginning to a mystery short story?

Yes, it is. I enjoyed reading it, and I like a good mystery.

Oh, did Harding lock his car before going into the house?

And why is it so important Harding is found sane and guilty when being put in an institution for the criminally insane would work too?

Is this a decent beginning to a mystery short story?

The sentences are too short, so it's easy to get distracted. The dialogue isn't stellar either. But overall this excerpt is better than most of the crap people post here. Print it out, read it over, and highlight every adverb and adjective you can find and try to eliminate as many as you can.

Is this a decent beginning to a mystery short story?

Marshall,

Nice job. Your story is solid, but your dialogue is broken up when it comes to who's speaking. What you're doing is setting up the next speaker in the same paragraph as the last speaker.....

Here's some examples. Try to check the rest of your story and correct them.

Quote:

鈥淢r. Jennings, I鈥檓 your new lawyer. My name is Phillip Harding.鈥?

Jennings glared at Harding, forcing him to look away. 鈥淲ell aren鈥檛 you a dandy. What happened to Mr. Fargo?鈥?br>

鈥淗e was found dead in his home last night. He鈥檇 been shot in the head. The police don鈥檛 have any leads as to who did it.鈥?

No sadness showed on Jennings鈥?face. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 a real shame. He was nice enough. Not a very good lawyer, though. He was trying to have me committed. Do I look crazy to you?鈥?

Harding sorted through the papers on the table. 鈥淭his police report makes several references to your behavior after being arrested. A Sgt. Bronson states that you were very violent and that you were screaming and cursing. Can you tell me anything about that?鈥?

Jennings smiled. 鈥淚 was drunk, not crazy. Ask my wife. She鈥檒l tell you.鈥?

Harding wrote something down. etc..etc..

Unquote

You see how I split up the descriptive data for each of the speakers?

Also, you need more paragraph breaks. Many authors use long paragraphs, but it's a bit annoying to some readers.

Your use of dialogue is very good, though. I felt as though the prisoner was actually speaking to his lawyer as a smart alec.

Good Job....

Try to go through the rest of the work and split up those speakers as I did.

I wish you luck!