mens hair: Are these important Guidelines for the modern men/women ???

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish: 49

Adventurous: Slept with everyone.

Athletic: No breasts.

Average looking: Mooooooo.

Beautiful: Pathological liar.

Emotionally secure: On medication.

Feminist: Fat.

Free spirit: Junkie.

Friendship first: Reformed slapper.

New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned: No BJs.

Open-minded: Desperate.

Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional: B*tch.

Voluptuous: Very Fat.

Large frame: Hugely Fat.

Wants soul mate: Stalker.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish: 59.

Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife's shower cap).

Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob 'pecks' along to various Tom Jones tunes.

Average looking: Danni Divito's body with Woody Allan's face.

Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.

Emotionally secure: Still married.

In favour of woman's rights: Pathological liar.

Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.

Friendship first: Small penis.

New-Age: I'll try anything.

Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.

Open-minded: Any age/any sex.

Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table.

Professional: Toff.

Cuddly: Beer belly/'high hips'.

Large frame: Bed bound.

Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin.

WOMAN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = Yes (unless the question was, 'are you okay?' when the answer 'Yes' would mean, 'yes I was ok but now you have had to ask me I am not ok anymore')

2. No = No (unless the question was related to food in which case the answer would mean 'no I don't want to appear greedy so I will just take from your plate').

3. Maybe = No (unless you have a good bargaining tool).

4. We need = You need... and I can't believe you haven't mentioned it yet.

5. I am sorry = (followed by) but it's over.

6. We need to talk = Turn off the tv and face me now, at least appear to be listening.

7. Sure, go ahead = If you're ready for the consequences.

8. Do what you want = If you're prepared to do it without me.

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Now I know how good it can be I will expect this every time.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = Make me dinner.

2. I am sleepy = Go on top.

3. I am tired = So I can't do anything for myself.

4. Nice dress = Response to, 'does my bum look big in this?'

5. I love you = Thank you for cooking/cleaning/ironing/generally taking over from my mother.

6. I am bored = Can we stop talking about sex and start doing it?

7. May I have this dance? = May I press myself up against you in an attempt to seem manly but really I am so lonely I need to get off any way I can?

8. Can I call you sometime? = Do you have a muscle bound husband who is likely to beat me with a hammer if I call you?

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I am bored with your constant conversation, lets go somewhere it is actually frowned upon to talk.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = How about a Burger King?

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I have a death wish and I am looking for the easy road to hell.